Monday, September 18, 2006

so hard to watch the one you love in pain. nauseaus. dry-heaving. not being able to eat or even talk about food. not having the energy to get out of bed. despising the IV meds he gets twice a day. feeling hopeless. worn out. scared. hating our bedroom where he spends so much time. feeling frustrated. medicated.

but there are also times noach comes downstairs, sits on the deck or on the couch, takes his second shower in 5 weeks, asks for food, laughs, tells jokes, tries to have a normal few hours before he goes back upstairs.

my birthday was saturday. as you can imagine, it sucked. i think i turned 38 but am not 100% sure. got some balloons, a few cards and a cake from the family. plus some flowers, friends, spa gift certificates from family and friends. i was exhausted all day. my parents joined us for cake after Shabbat, which was nice. yesterday, my friend, felicia, and i went to the mall. i got a haircut and we got pedicures. relaxing. i could have stayed and talked to her for hours. and when i came home, i felt guilt for thinking a pedicure was important. how can i enjoy a pedicure when noach is so sick at home?

and then, today, the kids are sick. both have colds and tal has a low grade fever. the dr. said to keep her home from school for a day or two. so they were cranky this morning. i know, thank G-d, they only have colds, but what else will G-d throw my way. i know He has a master plan but he has thrown me some curveballs. i thought that when we lost the twins, that was the hardest thing ever. i still have no gotten over it. but i know that we then had tal and we were meant to have tal and she is a true gift. and binyamin is delicious. but what we have faced since aug. 11 is unimaginable. the accident itself was horrifying but now, each day is just so hard, so tiring, so overwhelming. yes, there are joys. like when tal comes skipping into the room singing, or running across the living room floor yelling "ballet!" or when ben smiles or starts to dance to music. and having ariel here is... indescribable. i love knowing he is here as does noach and the kids. he is an amazing man. a man of few words but the words he does say are just what you need to hear. i haven't known him his whole life but i love him and he is my family and i thank G-d for him.

so i always thought that you have to look at the big picture. that tv and such are a big waste of time. now i realize that it is the little things that make life "normal," that almost seem like luxuries to me now. like i am being spoiled because i am able to do them - the trips to the supermarket, reading a magazine, cooking pancakes for my family, talking on the phone, making a new friend at tal's school who recently moved just a few doors down, surfing the web, holding the kids, meeting an old friend for coffee, pushing the kids on the swings... all things we take for granted but that make us feel sane. and make us understand that noach can't do many of these things right now. but one day he will. one day, G-d willing soon, he will walk hand in hand with tal down the street and they will sing, look for airplanes and play with the puppies they pass along the way.

i have already taken for granted that noach saw the orthopedic surgeon's team today. his wrist is healing very well. he does not have to wear the splint as much and in a few weeks, he will be bale to use the crutches without the special arm support. it will be much easier for him when he can put weight on that arm. i know this is a big thing but it gets lost in the business of our day. thank G-d it s healing properly.

the end of this week is Rosh Hashanah. if i have done anything to upset or offend anyone this year or in years past, please forgive me. if i haven't been a friend when you have needed me, if i have been grouchy to you or impatient with you, i am sorry. and please forgive noach for anything he may have done. truly, in your heart, please forgive us. if you have done anything you don't feel right about, now is the time to ask for forgiveness. and next week, when the New Year comes, may it be a year filled with sweetness, kindness, health, love, respect, laughter and peace for us and for our brothers and sisters in Israel. Shanah Tovah!

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