Friday, August 18, 2006

day 8

day 8: on the way to the hospital, we stopped by tasti-delite to bring some of the healthy ice cream to noach and his mom. strange. noach and i used to live close to this hospital. this was the tasti-delite we went to often, on short walks from the apartment. we usually brough shoko, noach's dog. when i went in the store to buy the tasti, shoko never cared. when noach went in, i was pulled toward the store until noach emerged. shoko just wanted to be near him. noach seems to have that affect on many people. it is strange to visit him at his hospital in our old stomping grounds. i have become such a part of the suburbs and the suburbs a part of me that thie city seems like a lifetime away. but now, it is back in my daily existence. i am there for a different reason. to visit my husband each day, to make sure he has love, support, food, water, clean sheets, magazines, toothpaste, some toy/stuffed animal for him from tal...

today we brought a kiddush cup, the one we use weekly that we used under the chuppah, grape juice and challah to say the Shabbat blesings Fri. afternoon, in the hospital room, before we headed home. it was so emotional. as he does each week, noach blessed ariel, his first-born. usually noach faces toward israel and blesses him, but this week, it was in person. then i brought a picture of tal and binyamin over to him and he blessed them as well. last week, noach was still asleep when it was time for shabbat. i think of all the progress he has made in one week and i am so proud of him. he prays each day, moves around his bed, takes charge of his medical care - asks questions about what is being done to him, why, what are the affects... today his friend, adam, came to visit. they told stories to noach's father about some trips they took on noach's sailboat, the lovely lara. the three men were laughing so much. i think it is the first really hearty laugh i have heard out of noach in a week. it reminded me so much of the kind of person he is - he loves sailing, flying, skiing, motorcycles, traveling, lifting weights, boxing, learning Torah and really, just having a good time. he puts his heart into anything he does, both at work and at home. ok, some of you may have heard me complain that he doesn't help out enough around the house, but you don't see him put in the long hours preparing for and defending people in court, visiting clients in jail, helping friends out of legal jams, helping friends any way he can... when his friend, levi, comes to town from israel for fundraising, noach leaves whatever he is doing and takes levi from parlor meeting to parlor meeting. so he doesn't always put his socks in the hamper and he doesn't always clean the table after he eats but looking back, those things are so insignificant. i realized today, after the nurse taught me how to give him a sponge bath, that i would do anything for him. i mean i always thought i would do anything for him, but this is different. i have no question that i will take care of him when he needs me, that anything he asks, is something i can do or will try my best to do. as he watched me organize the hospital room, he laughed. he thinks i'm funny - i get obsessed with details, can't always verbalize what i want to say, ask the doctors questions even when he asks me to talk about it with him first. and today, instead of getting mad, he laughed. i told him that the things that annoy me about him are the things i miss. i come home and there are no inside-out, dirty socks on the floor, there is no opened mail that belongs in the garbage on the counter, there are no traces of him being home, except the blue button down shirt i move from chair to chair but will not put in the laundry or put away. it makes me feel like he was just home or is about to walk in the door after a ben and jerry's heath bar crunch run. and he told me today that he liked watching me scoot around his hospital room. it used to annoy him but he realized that was me - who i am. i heard it was the things we love about someone when we meet them that end up driving us crazy. now i think it is also true that those are the things we would miss most.

ok, i'm rambling as usual. for the first morning in a week, i was able to spend some tim with the kids. i wasn't making phonecalls about moving hospitals, getting worried phonecalls from everyone or getting the name of every doctor anyone i knew could give me. i was just able to enjoy my kids for a while. it was great. i spent the next several hours with noach. they rebandaged his arm and stump and it looks much more "professional" than jacobi. they will probably wait to do the wrist surgery until next week when there is a smaller risk of infection. we got noach ready for shabbat with magazines, food, etc. he is still in a lot of pain. he thinks he is moving backwards but he has come so far. the doctor told us that it would be two steps forward and one step back, but he didn't realize that would be emotionally as well. i did. for some reason, i know he should be doing deep breathing. i know he should be imagining his "safe" place and going there when the pain gets bad and when he feels discouraged. people seem to think i am so strong. i'm not. this is just what you do for the person you love, isn't it. i asked my friend johanna why people think i am being strong. she said that some people would just pop valium and curl up in a ball and feel sorry for themselves. none of you would do that. i want noach to be strong. i want him to know he can rely on me. i want his family to know they can have faith that i will take care of him. i want ariel, tal and binyamin to know how much i love their "abba."

in the past week, noach has come so far. i eagerly anticipate where he will be next fri. G-d willing it will be in a better place both physically and emotionally.

before we got married noach told me that he fell in love with me because of the way i loved him. he told me that again today.

so love the people you love. make peace with the people who have done you wrong, because one day, that may not be possible. find the person to love that makes your heart sing. and when they frustrate you, upset you, or don't act exactly how you would like them to, remember that that is all part of the ride. that is all part of who they are.

what a week. may the next week bring healing and peace, love and friendship to noach and all of you.

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