Friday, August 18, 2006

day 1:

i hate to tell bad news this way but i am too tired to make phonecalls, too worn out to repeat the story again... this morning,about 7 am, noach was in a bad motorcycle accident. he was driving to work and there was an accident on the highway. the 2 cars involved (a van and an suv) were sticking out in the road because there was no shoulder. anothervan swerved out of the way to miss them and noach was coming around a bed and hit the van involved in the accident. his left leg was severed. thank G-d, a nurse and a dr. were a few cars behind him. they both stopped, took care of him, made a tournaquet to stop the bleeding and called an ambulance. they saved his life, like angels sent from G-d. while this was happening, noach called me. he said that he was in an accident, his leg was severed and he loves me and the kids and was going to the hospital. i should have my parents come watch the kids and meet him at the hospital. a woman got on the phone to say he was in an accident and would be going ot the emergency room. i thought it was a joke but unfortunately it wasn't. i went to the er at jacobihospital in the bronx. noach was in surgery. they gave me bags with his personal articles, told me that he asked them to make sure to call me, his wrist was fractured, his leg was severed and they were not going to be able to reattach it. there was too much damage from the accident, too much road dirt embedded in the leg, it wasn't a clean cut, etc. i got there when he was already in surgery but before he went in they said he was awake and joked that they could cancel his dance lessons. noach spent 5-6 hours in surgery. they could not attach the leg. they made a cleaner cut above the knee, cleaned out as much road debris as they could, mended any soft tissue damage that they could, etc. he remains stable. he came out of surgery and i finally got to see him. he doesn't look very scratched up but he is very puffy from the "horrific" accident, as the dr. put it and all the various medications they put in him. he lost a lot of blood. for now, they cleaned up the end of his leg like a regular amputee. they do fear infection and things like that so they may have to cut it higher up at some point. he will probably endure a few more operations, about a month in the hospital and several months at a rehab center. then finally, G-d willing, we will have him back home. tonight is shabbat and i miss him terribly. it is hard to be in the house knowing he won't be home for a long time. i don't want to move the shirt he left in the kitchen, thought about bringing his crocs (shoes) to the hospital, realized he only needed one and then got upset about that and i don't want to put too much in the fridge because he hates when it is overloaded. i just want him to be strong and to get well. and i want him home. when he was in surgery, i just wanted to see him. when i finally did, i just kept touching him and telling him i love him and that he has to stay strong so he can come home to me and the kids. he knew i was there. he moved his hand and moved his mouth. the dr. wanted me to let him rest. they are keeping him heavily sedated for a day or two to give him time to rest and heal. there has been a huge trauma on his body. the good new, G-d willing, is that the dr. thinks he will be ok and expects that one day he will walk with a prosthesis. anyone that knows noach knows he is strong and is a fighter and will one day, G-d willing, be running in the backyard with his kids. it was very hard to see him in the ICU on a ventilator, with tubes... but thank G-d he was wearing his helmet, thank G-dthere was no head trauma... the guy down the hall from him isn't so lucky - he shattered his pelvis in a motorcycle accident and may not make it. for now, i just ask for your prayers that he will stay strong and that he will come home in a few months and be ok. tal knows he has a boo boo on his leg, but that is all she knows, and she wants to "kiss it to make him feel better." she wore a t-shirt to bed tonight with a picture of him and her on it, to make him feel better. i just miss him and want him home. my parents havebeen with me, my brother and sister in law came to NY, noach's sister, peri, helped watched the kids today and my other brother will be in town with his family this week. and ariel, my step-son, is coming in from israel on sunday. for those of you that have called and offered to help, i really appreciate it. i really don't need anything as my parents are close by, except your prayers. it's nice to get messages that people are thinking of us, i just can't promise that i'll always feel like talking or that i'll call back right away but yes, i do like when friends call just to check in. makes me feel not so alone. the next few months are going to be tough but i will try to take it day by day and try to be strong for him. i love him so much. i will do whatever it takes. as the dr. said, it will be one step forward, 2 steps back but we will just keep going. of course i am worried and afraid and confused emotionally, financially and every other was possible. but i will go back everyday to hold his hand, touch his face and play with his hair and tell him i love him. i love him with 2 legs, i love him with 1 leg. it doesn't matter. it's his heart and soul i am still in love with after 4 years of marriage. G-d willing, we will have many, many, many more years 2:

hi. sorry about the mass email but to be honest, i am completely exhausted and this is probably the way i will communicate over the next few weeks, unless you catch me en route to/from the hospital. it's midnight and i came home from the hospital a little while ago. i have been there since this morning, except for about 45 minutes this evening when i came home to nurse binyamin and see tal. my parents, brother (lee) and sister-in-law (amy) took great care of them today.

the ICU called me at about 7 this morning to say that noach was awake and asking for me. my family came over to watch the kids and i went to the hospital. noach was still on the respirator but desperately trying to talk to me. he had been asking for me, writing my name on his father's hand, on paper... i have to say, thank G-d, that his face wasn't scratched up at all and he looked quite handsome. i just stood by his side, told him not to talk, how much i love him... finally they took the respirator out. he hated it. he was going in and out of consciousness, very confused, form all the trauma and all the medication. kept asking me the same questions when he would wake up every few minutes - what day is it? who was here? who is with the kids? am i dead? did i lose my hand, too? he just wanted me there everytime i woke up and if i left the room for a minute, when i got back he just wanted to know where i was and told me to stay. one of the surgeons came to check on him - his wrist was broken and there was nerve damage. he will have to have surgery next week and they will put pins in his arm. his arm has been giving him terrible pain all day. it is in a splint, not a cast and very uncomfortable. the surgeon said that he was lucky to be alive and we should focus on that. he almost died on the highway, he almost died in the ambulance, he almost died on the operating table. but now he is stable and we have to focus on that. it is going to be a long haul. they are very worried about infection and things like pneumonia. they believe he will have to undergo other surgeries. he will probably be in the ICU for a month or so which means only immediate family can visit him and we have to wear gowns and gloves each time we go in. tal and binyamin will not be able to visit him which is so sad. the dr. said that the ICU is the best place for him because they can keep a close eye on him, that there are always nurses and doctors there and that the risk of infection is less there because they limit visits to immediate family and you have to wear a gown and gloves in his room.

now it's sun. morning. was so tired. fell asleep while putting ben to bed. noach called to say he had a bad night. he's in a lot of pain and is afraid to sleep because when he was in the ambulance, they kept telling him not to fall asleep and to stay with them.

anyway, i am exhausted. noach really wants me to stay with him all the time and in my heart that is where i want to be. all tal knows is that he has a boo boo on his leg and is in the hospital. i want to be with the kids, too, and feel like a neglectful mom when i'm there all day with noach but right now he needs me the most and it tears my heart out to leave him by himself. visiting hours end at 8. they let me stay until 11 and literally threw me out. the hospital cop came and made me leave. he wanted me to stay and it was so hard. he just wants me to be there to hold his hand, etc. so now i'm up, my mom is on her way over and i'm heading back to the hospital in a few minutes. ariel, my step-son, landed this morning and noach's friend is at the airport waiting for him.

i was hoping this was a nightmare and that i would wake up and he would be next to me. but i wake up and he's not there. i wake up to a message that he needs me and is in a lot of pain. i wake up and realize i am in a real nightmare. but as everyone tells me, i will try to be strong for him, for the kids, for myself. he is so scared but he knows i am there for him no matter what.

thank you for your emails and calls. right now i will be with his as much as i can and try to come home to spend some time with the kids as well. in a few days maybe things will be easier. maybe not. just want to keep him infection-free, out ofpain and his spirits up as much as possible. noach is a funny guy and he tried to joke about it. yesterday he said, "sometimes you lose a leg."

day 3:

so i have been doing this for 3 days. i am much quicker putting on the robe and rubber gloves to go into noach's room, not so shy with the nurses and certainly ready for the "weekend shifts" at the hospital to be the busy, regular people on staff during the week. i am tired but ok. your calls and emails mean so much to me. i try to respond individually but i just don't have the time or energy. if i wrote "thanks" in an email back to you, it wasn't just a flippant thanks. it was a thanks for your caring, your thoughts, your prayers, your words of encouragement, your time, your love and support. we appreciate your visits to my house (even though i will rarely be home these days and am too tired to entertain) and visits to the hospital (but i am going to be mean and tell you that you can not come into his room because there is a high risk of infection and it is only for immediate family).

and noach... he is holding his own. he certainly didn't need the doctor to tell him today that he wasn't out of the woods yet, he certainly didn't need the pain of them changing his bandages and them telling him it wasn't healing as well as they would have liked, he wants his arm set so badly because it causes him terrible pain (it is broken in one place, dislocated in another place and they want the swelling to go down before they do surgery and put the pins in next week), he asked them to turn off the morphine today but the pain was so bad they turned it back on, but it makes him itchy everywhere so i just scratch wherever he asks me to scratch, massage where he wants a massage, help him move a little bit to get the blood flowing in his body, help him take little sips of ginger ale and eat jello and i know i have to thank G-d i can do all these things for him. i look at him and know that i almost lost him - on the highway, in the ambulance and in the operating room. but he is in that bed, handsome as ever, trying to make jokes when he is really just so scared inside - scared of infection, scared of the uphill battle ahead of him, scared of life without his leg, scared of bloodclots, scared of air in his iv tubes, scared of going to sleep, scared of nightmares, scared of the night nurses and scared of me not being there.

i can only be there during visiting hours from 12-8. they are getting very strict about that. today he called me early and asked me to come, so i did. when i got there at 9, the nurses told me that visiting hours started at 12. i was in tears. i know they are busy and i know they have work to do and have to follow rules but noach needed me there. he is afraid and lonely and wants me by his side. the nurses told me i had to leave, with me in tears, and one nice one said i could go in and say hi. i got to kiss him and tell him i would be back at noon. so i went home and after spending a few minutes back at home with tal and binyamin, and saying goodbye to lee and amy, and obsessively cleaning up a bit and getting stuff together to take for noach (like an ipod and dock which i was told i couldn't plug in in his room, some water, a few more pictures of the kids, the t-shirt tal wore to bed last night with a picture of him and her on it) i went back to the hospital. my first time driving there on my own and i was ok. i was able to call a few friends on the way to check in. i stayed by noach's side all day, except when the nurses kicked me out to do tests here and there and to give noach's sister, dad, mom... a few minutes to go in. but he wants me to be there, ALL the time, and i really wish i could. i stood by his side for about 9 and a half hours because they will not bring a chair in the room. and i took care of him. and i will continue to take care of him. and to all of you worried about me, i will take care of myself, too. i will eat what i can before i go to the hospital, i will drink water when i'm there and eat when i get home. today noach was allowed clear fluids, tomorrow, G-d willing, he will be able to eat some food. i will try to sleep (i am so tired when i get home i am sleeping more than i was before) and i will try to get my doses of my kids when i can. i wish i could bottle their sunshine to bring to him each day. he really needs it right now. ariel, my step-son, and his girlfriend, dana, came in tonight for israel. noach was happy to see them. they will be staying with me for 2 weeks or so. must have been really hard for ariel to see noach like that. don't want to say i am used to it aleady and don't want to ever be used to it, but i feel like an old pro at the hospital.

and i was wondering today why i write these incredibly detailed emails? one, i think it is therapuetic for me and helps me to deal and get out my feelings. two, there are people i wish i could talk to everyday (you know who you are and if your name isn't here i still love you and you better keep calling/emailing me), friends from my past like sarah tanz, friends from schechter like bilha, friends that are like family like stephanie, the BU crew, my cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers & their families, noach's family, playgroup friends, noach's friends, neighborhood friends, shul friends, friends like sherry who for some reason, just hearing her voice makes me feel better, friends who don't really fit into a category because they fit into so many, like toba and dalya, friends i speak to everyday like ellen and friends who i haven't talked to in a long time but for some reason, they are on my mind now ... all who may want to know the details. who would indulge me in these late night therapy sessions and understand that this may be more for me than them. who understand that i am even too tired to turn on my beloved television and don't really feel right getting involved in watching a show anyway but need to unwind somehow, so again, sitting down to let it all out and update you. who know that i feel guilty getting to see the kids and to be in our home at night while he is in the ICU, still fighting for his life. who can relate that i no longer obsessively watch CNN to find out about what is going on in israel when my world has shrunk to only 2 places - my house and the hospital.

now why do the rooms in the ICU have a tv hanging form the ceiling without a remote??? why is there a phone across the room when the patients can't get up to use it??? doesn't anyone realize what these patients are going through? why is there no chair for a family member to sit on? i know most of the patients are really out of it and sleeping most of the time but noach is awake, mostly alert and hasn't really slept in two days. wouldn't it be great if he could focus on something other than the pain?

so it's gotten late and i am going to try to go to sleep and hope that this is a bad nightmare and i will wake up in the morning and noach will be in bed next to me snoring away. then i will try to spend every day thanking G-d for him. one day, your husband can leave for work and in a moment, everything you know can change. so tell the ones you love them that you love them, don't get mad when they don't clean up the playroom or pickup their socks from the floor, just realize that all the things that annoy you about them are things you would miss if they weren't there for a few days, or a few months.

and thanks for being my family, my friends, my therapists, my community, my babysitters, my cooks and my support. wow, this all sounds so sappy, but if there was ever a time to reflect and realize how precious life is and the people you care about are, i guess this would be it.

good night, sweet dreams and may all those you love be safe.

day 4:

i'm going to try not to get into a whole big email tonight. i am really tired and need to unwind a bit. i left the ICU tonight a little after 8 pm, so excited to see tal and ben. went to my parents to pick them up and my mom, and brother, mark, had already taken them to my house. they had a great day with my family, especially their 3 cousins in form Sharon, Ma. the kids were both asleep when i got home. ben woke up for a while and i got to spend time with him. i miss tal's sense of humor, wisdom and the light she brings into my life each day. is is the 3rd night i have not put her to bed and it is so hard. enough about me...

today was a hard day. when i got to the ICU, noach was a little agitated. i think they were giving him other medicine - percocet (spelling), more morphine... and he was pretty cranky. i left the room in tears of sheer exhaustion/frustration about 3 times. knowing what i need, i marched myself right down to the social workers' office. they were all there on fri. promising all kinds of help but then absent for the weekend. i spoke with one i met on fri. and let it all out. she was great. then she sent me to another one, upstairs, who basically, gave me a free therapy session. it was amazing. i talked about EVERYTHING going on and she listened and gave great advice. said i can come back whenever i want. yes, FREE therapy. i'll try not to abuse it but those who know me know i love therapy. went back to noach feeling a littl better. after a while, he seemed better. less agitated, less worried... the nurses helped sit him up a bit, they changed his dressing again this morning, he was able to eat some solid foods... he complained about pain all day but i noticed that he was not touching his broken wrist 1,000 times. he said his stump hurt and that it was burning. he is nervous about infection but a nurse told us that means it's healing and that his white blood count is good so far, which is a good sign. his fever keeps going up and down but that could just be fever from the trauma. i keep telling noach that he can only have positive htoughts, that he has to take deep breaths and breathe out all the negative energy and toxins in his body. i told his family that there can only be positive thought in there. i tried to tell him a story. he liked it for a while but couldn't concentrate. he basically does nothing all day except lay there in pain. i want to give him diversions, i tell him about a great day we had in florida a few years ago, every detail, from morning until afternoon, i tell him to take deep breaths... it helps for a while. i tell him to choose a happy song to sing through the pain. i know this all helps him. he tells me so. do any of u have ideas? he is no position to play a game of checkers or anything like that, but i need something that will get his mind out of that little room. they thought they would move him to a step-down ICU today. down the hall, still ICU, less nurse/patient ratio. i took a look and to be honest, it looked like some news story on insane assylums. very scary. freaked me out. it's a city hospital, so... but thank G-d, they decided to keep him in the regular ICU until at least the end of the week. we r talking abou tmoving him somewhere else - not now though, he is in no condition. but maybe next week. doctors don't really want to talk about next week. there is too much unknown right now. i feel lucky when i walk into the ICU because all the other patients there are on ventilators and look like noach did a few days ago. they have all been there the same amount of time, if not longer, but they don't seem to be improving. i'm glad he can't see them. it is very depressing. i heard the dr. repeat to me what he told noach yesterday - we aren't out of the woods yet. they are watching his fever, watching the stump, hoping that the (pardon the image but...) flap of skin that was hanging after the accident that they used to close off the stump would be viable - that it will have enough blood flow that they can keep it and that he won't get an infection. i know so many of you are saying prayers - that is a big one for us. please pray he doesn't get an infection. my family's doctors/friends give advice, everyone gives advice but they all say we have to wait. i've always hated waiting. at about 8:00 noach was tired. he was in a lot of pain and worried about the night. he HATES the nights there. i just told him no matter what, to have positive thoughts when he goes to sleep. they gave him a sleeping pill which he can decide later whether or not he wants to take it. and we said goodnight, always very hard for me. i came to the hospital today with ariel and dana - they are exhausted, jet lagged... so i wanted to take them home and to see my kids. i will go kiss tal, right now, sleeping peacefully in her toddler bed and thank G-d that she has no real comprehension of what her Abba is going through. i will look at ben, rolled over on his side the way he likes to sleep and know that he will never remember noach with two legs, i will say a prayer for ariel that he will stay strong knowing/seeing what his father has been through and then i will go spend a half an hour of my day, just for me. maybe tonight i will dare to turn on the tv. i really think i need it. it was a very hard, emotional day. i guess they will be for a while and they will be up and down. i know that. i know i need to take care of myself. i know my kids will have a blast with their cousins this week. i know i have to stay strong and i know that it is ok to fall apart every once in a while, too. thank you for all your prayers, offers to help, offers to watch the kids (i'd want to watch my kids, too, if i were you). for now we have it all covered. but keep calling because you never know.

and again, please make sure you appreciate the ones you love. please make peace with the ones you think you need to make peace with. please appreciate your family and your friends. please know, as i have experienced in my past, that the hard times may get harder, but they will eventually get easier, too.

i haven't seen tal since 11:30 this morning and i'm off to go lie next to her for a few minutes to convince me that some things are all right in this world.

day 5:

hi all. i feel a little refreshed today because i was at my parents' by 7:00, ate some dinner on their deck with my kids, gave tal a bath and out them both to bed at home. it has been days since i read to them, put them to bed and spent some evening time with them and it really recharged me.

this morning was insane. trying to get to the hospital by noon (noach says that every minute i am late is really hard for him), to get all our stuff together (of course i forgot the backpack with my lap top for him to watch movies in at home), take care of the kids (ariel and dana have been giving them breakfast), make some phonecalls about insurance, the motorcycle.. that i was literally running around in circles. now i really understand that expression because it happened to me in my hall this morning. meanwhile, you think someone would be telling me who to contact in this situation. it is all confusing - the motorcycle insurance, health insurance, accident stuff... plus, who has time to deal with all that right now. seems i can't get quality time with the kids in the morning because i have phonecalls to make, the phone keeps ringing, noach calls about 10 times...

anyway, i know you all want to hear about noach's progress... i got to the ICU when a nurse was yelling at him. they had changed his bandages today which really hurt him. she was telling him how they needed to move him to a chair to get his blood flowing, prevent bed sores, etc. he was asking her, very nicely, if she could just wait an hour. the bandage changing hurts and is traumatic for him and he just wanted some time to regroup. and she yelled at him. no wonder he hates it when none of us can be there when there are non-visiting hours. noach was moved a few hours later from the regular ICU to a step-down ICU. it is a little less intense. the people in the ICU are all on respirators, in comas... and this is a little less of that although there are certainly some sick people who were not looking too good. seemed that some never had visitors by their sides and i almost wanted to go in to talk to them. i like this new room a little better - it has a little more light, plus i think change is good. he had been in the same room, in bed, since fri. now he is down the hall. some head of plastic surgery came in today and gave us a lot of reassurance about his care and about the hospital. if his fever goes down, he will have surgery on thurs. on his arm. this guy said the dr. who would od the surgery is amazing. heard tonight that a friend of a friend said this surgeon is inexperienced and he wouldn't let him do the surgery on a family member of his. so now i think i will talk to noach about moving to another hospital again. we talk about it, get assured that this is the right place and then we hear negative things. jacobi seems to be the best place for trauma but i am going to speak to noach about moving to another hospital and doing the surgery there.

so we got him settled in his new room, had a few visitors... the highpoint of the day was when a couple, brenda and kevin stopped by. they stood int he doorway and we had no idea who they were. and then noach realized. this was the couple that pulled over, the guy that saved noach's life. as i watched them talk, i realized they were bonded. what a nice couple. not only did he pull over and save his life, he called me to check on him and then came by. noach had lots of miracles last friday. kevin and brenda were a few cars behind and saw the whole accident. they were able to get to him very quickly. kevin said noach ended up on a decline so the blood was going toward his head not out his injured stump. kevin didn't use noach's belt to make a tournaquet but used hand pressure to stop the bleeding and with the other hand, took off noach's helmet so he didn't throw up in it. turns out kevin never goes to work that way but he was taking his girlfriend to the train that day, at just the right time. kevin mentioned that he almost used a belt to stop the bleeding and was told that it would have caused much more nerve damage. by the time he got to work fri. his whole hospital knew about the accident and called him hero. seems noach was the talk of kevin's hospital, einstein, as well as jacobi and a few other places. i asked why. kevin answered that no one would survive after an accident like that. i introduced him to noach's mom, sister, ariel... we all hugged at the end and he said he would stop in again. he saved noach's life and his girlfriend helped. he was also the one to tell the ambulance to go to jacobi hospital not westchester medical.

so after a few more hours keeping noach company, at about 6:30, he told me to go home and rest and i told him i was going to see the kids. i really feel that tal needs me a little more now. she isnt seeing him and she can't lose me right now also. it's just not fair to her.

people keep saying that i am so strong. i'm not always. i cry a lot. i complain to friends at times. i called the social worker i met yesterday and left her lengthy messages that i need help. i run aorund in circles. i don't spend quality time with my kids in the morning. i'm not always ready to cut noach slack when he is grouchy to me. but i know that we are lucky. i know that if we are annoyed at eachother because i didn't pour water right for him and he didn't ask me nicely enough, i am lucky that he is here for me to be annoyed at him. i walk around the 6th floor - people are on ventilators, the woman who was in a fire still hasn't woken up, i see the same families here day after day to visit their loved ones, i see people who look like they are in comas with no one to visit them. and then i see the man i married 4 years ago. the man i fell in love with. the man who can be a pain but he is my world. the father of my children. the plumber, the architect, the pilot, the criminal defense attorney. lying in a bed for the 5th day. missing his leg. with a broken arm. in pain. confused and scared. and i know that i am lucky he is there. i am lucky that i am able to visit him and that he smiles when i get there and kisses me when i leave. that the waiting room is filled daily with family and with some good friends. that friends call and want to visit but i have to say not yet, not this week, he is not out of the woods. that people call and email me to say that people are praying for him all over the world. we are lucky. it was a horrible accident and i wouldn't wish this on anyone. but we will get through each day. some will be better than others for him, for me, for everyone. some days i will feel strong and some days i will feel like i am falling apart. sometime down the road, whether that is 3 months, 6 months or 8 months away, i know he will come home. and that night, i will wake up, hear him snoring in the bed next to me and know the nightmare has finally ended.

so that was my day. please continue to love the ones around you. smile first at someone walking down the street. hold the door for the person behind you. say hi to the toll booth lady. be nice to the supermarket checkout girl. hug the people you love. and if you get annoyed at them for leaving their shirt on a chair in the kitchen, consider yourself lucky.

my great college friend, amy, said that each day we get through, each day in the hospital, is one more day closer to him coming home. what a wonderful way to look at it. good night.

day 6:

everyday has its ups and downs. we all know that. some days we wake up and it's raining and then the skies clear up to a beautiful blue day. some days stay gray all day and we wonder if the sun will ever return. and some days just aren't sure what they want to be - cloudy, sunny, drizzles, fog...

today was one of those days. both good and bad. steps forward, steps back. spent the morning running around my house like a lunatic, as i have the past few days. we have decided we want to move noach to a different hospital so i had to make a bunch of calls, had to eat because i know i wouldn't eat again until 10 pm or so, had to pay some attention to tal and ben, make a plan for my mother in law and sister in law who were watching them... and then i went to the hospital. noach has been a little cranky when i get there the past few days. just as i told the hospital shrink today, which noach confirmed later, he has rough nights. from 8 pm until noon he is alone, with no visitors. so when i get there he has all that anxiety, worry and pain in him that he lets out. we bicker over insignificant things, like sponge baths, cell phone wires, water bottles, etc. a little later, we both seem to get into eachother's groove and it improves. his family's Rabbi and good friend, Rabbi Hochberg, who married us, visits daily. it always seems to be that after his visits, noach is in a good mood. coincidence? certain drugs wearing off? who knows. Rabbi Hochberg has an amazing soothing affect. i just look at him and feel better. he talks to noach, holds his hand during physical therapy and even tries to get noach to understand how this is for me and that i need to be there for the kids, too.

i am becoming a nurse these days - sponge baths, checking temperatures, cleaning... i am getting better at it and feel more confident. physically, noach is better today. he is able to move himself around the bed a little, instead of having to be moved. he is no longer clutching his arm in pain. he smiles instead of moaning. he is working on moving his hips around. he eats a little more. they took out the catheter. but at the same time, they didn't have a record of shots they gave him. his bandages got really messed up today and exposed parts of his wound that really shouldn't be exposed. they fixed the bandage but didn't have all the supplies needed. they barely took his temperature. the nights still freak him out. and he has been told by people, people who even work there, that now that the trauma is over, he should get out.

so i spent a lot of today making phonecalls to get him moved to the hospital for special surgery. we thought it would happen today but we are now praying for tomorrow. he needs a new place, different care. new hope.

his friend, dave, and i left the hospital late. the building was quiet. visiting hours had ended. dave walked me to my car. as i drove home, i thought about the last hour or two. noach was laughing and smiling. we were telling funny stories and making jokes. we left him in his room all set up watching a DVD, water bottles by his side, ipod ready for when he wanted it. and i thought how great his spirits were, how much progress both physically and emotionally he had made in only 6 days and how much i love him.

tal was up when i got home, very tired. i got to see her for a bit but she wanted my mom to put her to bed. that's ok. i understand. this is all very confusing for her. i still got to say her night time prayer, the shema, with her and give her a kiss. and ben entertained all who needed it here on the living room floor.

all in all, it was a good day. a rainy day that turned into beautiful sunshine. at least in my little world.

day 7:

it's 1:30 am. i was at the hospital from noon until midnight. had breakfast at 9 am and my next meal after midnight, in the car, on the way home. don't mind that at all. today was a good day!

today noach moved from Jacobi to The New York Presbyterian Hospital Cornell Medical Center/Hospital for Special Surgery. there were a few complications in the morning, we weren't sure of it would happen, but at 5 pm, he was moved. what a difference. i will try to equate it for you. Jacobi is like that seedy hotel for $29.99 that advertises free cable, air conditioning and a pool you would never go into. NY Presbyterian is like the Ritz Carlton. what a breath of fresh air. i truly felt like i was in a hotel. the nurse was amazing. he told me they are like stepford nurses there - they all try to outdo each other there in their patient care. not only did he offer noach a drink but he offered me one as well. he then brought me a chair. a real chair. to sit down next to my husband so i am not standing all day. the hospital is clean, beautiful, a wonderful waiting room, flat screen tv's in the rooms that work and that have remotes, phones, a closet for his stuff... but of course all that is secondary to the level of care there. truly amazing. i left, at midnight, knowing noach was in good hands. the doctor's came to evaluate him, the nurses took care of him and made sure he was comfortable and other patients' nurses stopped me in the hall to see if i needed help with anything. noach said he feels like he now has a shot to live. the change was amazing for him and the rest of us, too. the trip to the hospital is farther for me and i didn't get to kiss my sleeping kids until very late but he is in great hands now and i have a lot of faith in this facility and it's doctors. he may have surgery on his wrist tomorrow - it depends whether or not his fever goes down. and they are still waiting for his stump to "declare" itself - we hope it declares itself healthy!

my brother, mark, and his family returned to sharon, ma. today. tal will miss the distraction of her cousins. she loved having them here. and ben just loves everything and everybody.

so i got home very late, sent my exhausted mom home and had a few minutes to think. on my way to the hospital this morning i told noach that i had a feeling it was going to be a very good day today. and i was right. thank G-d. and thanks to all of you for your prayers, thoughts, calls, emails...

i think back to the women i hugged goodbye today in the jacobi ICU waiting room. her sister had been in a fire about 3 weeks ago. she is still on the ventilator and still has not fully woken up. when i would come to the waiting room, she would say, "jo, you have a phonecall." we talked hear and there. i told her that her sister hears her so she should keep talking to her. their brother flew in form iraq yesterday to be with the family. i gave her a big hug when we left today and we promised to keep each other in our prayers. in a way, we became family in there. and now i think of her day tomorrow. still in that depressing waiting room. still waiting for her sister to wake up. and i realize that i am truly blessed.


Blogger gwadzilla said...

this is joel
lisa's husband

it is okay to cry
you can be strong and still cry
it is sad
it is painful
it is okay to cry

I am very sorry to hear about the accident
it is all very tragic
but... we all know it could have been worse
life and adventure can be dangerous
we make choices
sometimes these things happen

I can not say that I have ever experienced anything like this
nor do I ever wish to
so I do not have the sage advice to get you through this

I do believe that you will all get through this and continue on

recently I met a soldier at the local bicycle shop
he had an artificial limb
he was out for a bicycle ride
he did not seem bitter
he did not seem angry
he did not hate our government or the war
he was getting his bike tuned up as he prepared for a long bike ride

meeting that man made me wonder why I am so bitter and so angry when I have so much to be happy about

look into the WoundeWarrior Project and the Soldier's Ride
although your husband's injury is not related
it is clear that these projects understand the psychological advantages of becoming active again

yes, this is early to think about these things
check them out

love and luck
take care of yourself

7:27 AM  
Blogger Margie said...

Dear Jo and Noah,

I have read your Blog and I was privileged to be able to see your strength and love. As long as you have this you can conquer the world.

La Shana Tova,

(Jo ask your mother which cousin I am.)

6:41 PM  

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